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All Friends, No Family - Part1 by =dantastic202:icondantastic202:





It was dark…really dark. You know, that kind of dark where you feel completely alone, with no one to comfort you, or to take care of you, no one by your side. These were the dysfunctional thoughts of Kyle Daegan. His friends called him Tai, but then again, he didn’t have many friends to begin with.

Tai was a wolf. He lived within a pack of other wolves far from human society. He didn’t know much about these “outsiders” but he knew that they were killing off wolves for fun. He thought the idea was really unintelligent. At least he agreed with a few others.

He was lying on his back, in the middle of a forest. He was gazing up at the moon, watching it slowly as it rotated around the Earth he despised greatly. It was now directly above him. 12:00 midnight. July 9th, 2038. Tai had just turned seventeen. And in a way, he was almost impressed.

Seventeen years before, the Daegan family, Kara and Andrew, was celebrating upon the birth of their new son. Well, at least one half of the family.

“Listen Kara, I don’t know what the hell’s come over you, but in my opinion, having our son was a repulsive idea.”

“What are you talking about, honey?” Kara said sweetly, but in a tone of small yet noticeable annoyance.

He growled loudly at her. “Don’t…ever…call me honey!”

“Andrew, come on! Don’t you want what’s best?”

“What’s best!? Are you kidding? You haven’t even named him yet and we’ve had the cretin for almost a week!”

“I have named him!” Kara replied arrogantly. “His name’s Kyle. Don’t you like it?”

“Like I give a shit,” Andrew said stupidly, and he quickly left the room.

Several years had passed, and Andrew remained the same. He still hated Tai, and he wasn’t ashamed to admit it to anyone, even to Tai himself. As Tai recalled, he was five years old when his dad started to physically abuse him. Usually, it wasn’t even Tai’s fault. His dad was just pissed off all the time. Nevertheless, there were a few times where Tai brought his own demise to himself.

There was one time when Tai didn’t want to participate in meditation because he wanted to attend his friend’s birthday party. In the Daegan family, they considered it mandatory to meditate for at least an hour at around 10:00 in the morning.

Tai started to argue with his dad, unfortunately forgetting that it was his dad he was up against. After Tai refused to listen, Andrew roared and struck him with a powerful blow right below his right eye. It bled for three hours. Tai has had a scar under his right eye ever since.

Back in the forest, Tai was still laying on his back, looking up at the stars. He wondered how long he had been lying down. He made a guess by looking up at the moon. It had rotated about 30 degrees since midnight. He thought it was around two in the morning.

Every once in a while he reflected back on his family and he would usually think of the same scenario. He wished it actually happened when he was still living with his parents, but it never did, and he knew it would never happen.

The vision was of the whole family: Tai, Kara, and Andrew, sitting on a couch at their house just hanging out, without any fighting. He had seen this many times. But now…something new was coming toward him. He hadn’t seen this part, ever in his life. Tai leaped up, and concentrated harder. Now the family was talking together…and laughing.

Tai knew deep in his heart that he would have to try to forget about the scene, but he also knew he couldn’t, and it would haunt him for a long time, maybe even the rest of his life. He lowered his head, and quietly said to himself, “…Dad…” A tear slowly ran down his cheek. He wiped it off vigorously and ran off into the distance. He was out of sight before the tear hit the ground.
Creative Commons License
Some rights reserved. This work is licensed under a
Creative Commons Attribution-No Derivative Works 3.0 License.
:icondantastic202:

Author's Comments

Remember that series of deviations that I talked about in my last journal? Well, you're looking at it. This is based off the character I created for ~MC-Rayzer's contest. Then, at school, I thought, why not make my own story, nothing to do with Rayzer? So, that's what I've done. I wrote this chapter entirely at school and then transfered and slightly edited it on my computer. Hope you like it as much as I enjoyed writing it!

---Next Chapter---

Critiques


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:iconmc-rayzer:
I noticed a lot of things with this chapter (story?) Dan. lets start with the bad (so we can end on a good note)

Bad
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It felt like you couldnt see who he was. You could see what he was, and his backround. And it was clear his life isnt exactly the best out of anyone he knows. But with no dialouge (sorry bout spelling), and no thoughts as he does anything but look at the moon, you cant really see what goes on in your characters head, or how he can express himself through his actions. Spelling was minimal or none, and the plot line is a good basis that you can expand it easily to be more than ten chapters if you wanted it to go that long. So nothing really bad to kill the story or anything. I like that.

Good
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The character is someone you can reallly expand on. His personality, his past, the things he says to people he like and people he doesnt like. The storyline as i already said can be expanded GREATLY, and there is little you can not do.

BEAUTIFUL!
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The fact that you displayed as much emotion and detail as you did with such a short story is amazing, and hard to do (in my opinion), without making a huge expansion to explain how something makes him feel. This story was good enough for an intro, and you ended it appropriatly. your a pretty damn good writer who could go far! keep it up, and once you update ill be the first to read it!

--
"When life gives you lemons, throw them at someone. if they throw them back at you, run them over!" - Me

my literature concerned profile- [link]
:iconwindthor:
Not bad. I have to agree with the MC with the good and bad things. It's very nice. Keep up the good work.

--
I'm proud to be a Jellybean!

[url=[link]
:icondantastic202:
talk about critique! thank you very much on the constructive criticism! i will admit that this chapter (yes this is a chapter, i will 100% continue the story) did not give much dialouge in the present. this was done intentional to show the emotion. Sometimes dialogue tells, not shows. don't worry though. there will be much more dialogue in future chapters. As of writing this, I have only started a few sentences on Chapter 2 so I will be able to take all of your ideas into consideration. be on the lookout for future chapters. it shouldn't take that long (maybe a week or so-i wrote this in about 3 days). once again, thank you very very much!!

--
You can have my isolation, you can have the hate that it brings
You can have my absence of faith, you can have my everything
Help me tear down my reason, help me it's your sex I can smell
Help me you make me perfect, help me become somebody else
:icondantastic202:
thanks for the comment! it's always good to attract new deviants to my work! thanks for reading!

--
You can have my isolation, you can have the hate that it brings
You can have my absence of faith, you can have my everything
Help me tear down my reason, help me it's your sex I can smell
Help me you make me perfect, help me become somebody else
:iconmc-rayzer:
No problem man, glad to see that your picking up writing! ever need help im write here bro. behind this screen, and drinking a coke or something XD.

--
"When life gives you lemons, throw them at someone. if they throw them back at you, run them over!" - Me

my literature concerned profile- [link]
:iconmanicwolf:
Hehe, I got the impression you made the part about his dad beating and hating him not the main idea of your story. It just seems you could have done more to enrich it by adding dialogue and such.

It is also hard to really understand how Tai is feeling and what's going on inside he's head.

I did like the setting and plot, however, and it compels me to read further because you've made such a good introduction.

Well done on this :)

--
Sometimes I wish I could become marvelous at drawing overnight.. but that is a sad dilution.

being patient, zealous and determined are my virtues

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February 7, 2007
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